Moving "Us" to the Top of the List
Our faults are sometimes difficult to admit but this crime, I have hands down committed. When I became a mom, my kids became my everything and my marriage took a backseat. I didn’t intentionally alter my priorities but I didn’t fight for it hard enough to return either. To turn this sinking ship around takes a bit of work but it is a challenge that needs to be accepted and conquered to continue building a firm foundation in which your relationship can grow and flourish.
There are certain things that couples can do to ensure that their relationship stays at the top of your priority list. Here are a few from author and Dr. Stan Tatkin.
Make emotional connection a priority
Take time to know and care about each other’s thoughts and feelings
Use your knowledge to protect each other (from shame, stress, or other unwanted experience) in public and private
Talk to each other first, not second third or fourth, when there’s something to tell
Respect that your partner may think, feel, or experience things differently
Act on the idea “I will never leave you alone in distress, frighten you or hurt you on purpose”
Make a pact (spoken or unspoken): “Our relationship comes first before my need to be right, what other people want, or any person, place or thing”
(Summarized from the book Wired For Love, by Stan Tatkin)
Having this “sense of we” as he describes it, as opposed to “I” builds a protective shield around you as a couple and it helps you stay connected not disconnected. That does not mean you lose your independence, it just means that you are a solid and unified team.
To help make it easier to keep your favorite human at the top of your list, I have included a few more ideas to facilitate this shift or keep it where it should be.
Date night-I have read this tip so many times over the years and didn’t put much thought into it until the last handful of years. It is so important to put some time aside for your person and have some fun together on a regular basis so that you can connect or reconnect. Your kids seeing you making time for each other is a great example for them on what a healthy union looks like so, it is essentially a gift for you and for them.
Screen time- you need to be aware of how much time you are on your device(s). Do what you need to do and then put it down. Quality time does not mean side by side scrolling through IG or your Twitter feed. No romantic relationship has ever been made more intimate by staring at your phone. Put the beast aside and lock eyes with your lover, see where that gets you.
Knocking boots-couples that say they “don’t have enough time” for sex don’t make the time. The things that are important to us, we MAKE time for. Every session between the sheets doesn’t need to be lengthy, it definitely can be but it doesn’t need to be.
Talk about sex-get down and dirty on the daily in your conversations outside of the bedroom too. Get in the gutter and pull your partner in there with you! Have some fun bantering back and forth in a playful manner.
Gratitude-being grateful gets us further in life than we ever thought we could go, this includes finding the things that you are grateful for in your partner. If you continue to focus on the good, the more good you will find.
Good intentions-most of us get into a relationship and/or marriage with the best of intentions. If we continue to think this of our partner, instead of assuming negative or the worst case scenario, chances are you will be correct. If you are in a good intentions marriage and none of the 4 A’s (abuse, abandonment, addiction, and adultery) are present, then you can and should assume the best about your partner. There isn’t one of us on this planet that is close to perfect so we are all going to mess up. Taking a deep breath and a moment to process each situation will help to diffuse a bomb a lot more quickly.
Expectations-just flush these lil’ nasties right down the toilet. We expect our loves to read our minds, to know what we need, what we are thinking, what we want, what we are feeling, and what we like and dislike. We can’t do it for them so how should we expect them to do the impossible for us? Communicate with them and let them know where you are at and what you need. This will alleviate frustration, stress and diminish resentment and hostility before it has a chance to rear its ugly head.
Putting your partner as your priority means his or her needs, feelings, and well-being take priority over other people or things. Making your relationship a priority IS hard work at times but the work that you put in will be more than worth it and will pay off.